Sunday, December 31, 2006

Yeah, Happy New Year.

There I said it. Let's get on with it.
Ok, I am in some kind of mood that's for darn sure. Going out tonight for a few hours to a trustee friend's house. Last year at this time I was working at T until about 11:30. Just barely made it to the party in time for midnight. This year we are going from about 8-10PM then back home to relax and pack up for our trip up to the Dells. Haven't been there since I was a little kid. The party tonight should be interesting. We'll have to see who all is there since they can't have more than 2 trustees together at any point without it being a meeting. The mayor should be there also and some trustee wannabees. I was a trustee wannabee but I'm not so sure now. Still working on that figuring out what I want from life thing.

I'm ready to take all the Christmas stuff down. I need to get my house finished. We've got several rooms in various stages of painting and I need to get them finished. The girl broke her bed so we need to get her something else soon too. Right not she's on the floor. Yes, the antique bed that my mother dragged home from the Salvation Army on the back of my sister's stroller. The one my sister used growing up. The one that I used once she moved out. That bed. Leave it to my kid to break a family heirloom. Sheesh.

Yesterday I bought a couple computer books. PHP and web design. The web design one I pretty much know everything in it, but it is a good reminder kind of book. And it had some nice design ideas in there. Sometimes its just good to look at other kinds of stuff. One thing I noticed when I was in college was that I could be really creative there, but once I came home all that creativity just dried up. Wonder why that is? I was pretty creative at LF but towards the end I could feel it all being sapped right out of me. Pretty sure that was due to the stressful situation with the bosses and the pull-back into the office. I think towards the end I was doing crap work just to piss them off. Well, it was what it was.

I have some ideas for things I really want to do with both Happy Jack and the district. I love doing the district webpage. Really love it. I also have that tinge of fear that I have no clue what I'm doing and everyone is going to find out. I've had that all my life though and I think now that I'm 40 I better just get over it. I know few things. I've never taken any HTML classes, what I've learned is through trial and error. DH insisted I learn to code and not rely on programs to do it for me. I do appreciate that suggestion. I think it makes me a better designer, knowing what's going on in the background, but I am impatient and sloppy with my coding. I need to improve that. I bet if I took a couple classes that would help.

I need to find my place at the district. Some people would love to keep me in my present position. I need more than that. I choose to be more than that. And I can't continue to stand back. I can't continue to stand back with anything. My life is probably half over. (There's that glass half empty/half full thing.) What have I accomplished? I walked away from things I loved - took a safer route a lot of times. Did some astounding things by other people's judgement. Looking back 20 years did I do anything I thought I would? I dunno. My life certainly isn't anything like I imagined it would be when I was growing up. People I knew are gone from my life. There is probably some unfinished business to attend to with some, but I may never be able to finish it. I think it is time to move on. In 20 more years I will be 60. Who will I be then? Who am I now? I don't know. That's yet to be seen.

My trusty bass case is open in my room. I reopened it this year after a little prodding. There are a lot of ghosts in there. There is a lot of pain in there. There is also a lot of joy in there. I don't have the confidence to play...yet. I also bought myself some art supplies. I don't have the confidence to draw yet either. I'm working on it. I will get there. I think my inability to do either of those things is key to whatever issues I'm having in my life. I feel lost and confused about who I am and what I want. What I want to be.

Enough rambling about me. Other than me everything is fine. Happy Jack just keeps rolling along without my attention, so it seems. Kids are great - doing great in school and making us laugh. The girl is gorgeous, although she is so much more McLeod than Armstrong. The boy is turning into an evil genius...or freaky mastermind. We'll have to keep an eye on that one. Loopy dog is still loopy and really needs a bath.

Happy New Year one and all. I don't know what this year holds, but it is sure to be interesting one way or another.

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